


Demolition Lovers

by edema_ruh



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: (as usual), Amnesia, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Car Accidents, Eventual Fluff, Fluff, Hospitalization, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Temporary Amnesia, Valentine's Day, Worry, car crash, stood up date
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-08
Updated: 2016-03-23
Packaged: 2018-05-25 12:55:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6195931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/edema_ruh/pseuds/edema_ruh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Grantaire probably shouldn't drive and text at the same time. Specially during an argument with Enjolras.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Probably not the best title choice but I couldn't think of anything else.  
> As I've said before, I'm not a doctor or have any specialization in medicine etc, so there will probably be mistakes regarding these aspects of the story.  
> Also, I'm just trying to find excuses to make Grantaire suffer, because I love him and he's my favorite character lmao  
> Anyway, I hope this turns out okay

Three hours. 

Grantaire had been waiting for Enjolras to show up for their date for three hours. 

Sure, they had only been dating for two months, so he wasn’t exactly upset that Enjolras' was late in the first hour. The man had work to do, and he was a busy person, so Grantaire waited patiently, bouquet of roses lying carefully beside him. 

By the mark of the second hour, Grantaire sent him a text. 

 **To:** **Enj** **♥** **(21:30) Hey, busy bee. You still at work?**  

To his surprise, though, no reply came. Grantaire had been expecting a quick text back, an apology, anything. But as he anxiously checked his phone every other minute for the next half an hour, no message from Enjolras was received. 

Grantaire was starting to get uncomfortable with the looks everyone in the restaurant was sending him. He had been there, sitting by himself with a bouquet of red roses for two hours now, surely everybody was looking at him with pity. Two different waitresses had come over to him and asked if he needed anything already. 

Grantaire checked his phone again. No message. 

 **To:** **Enj** **♥** **(21:46) Are you still coming to the date?**  

He set the phone on the empty table in front of him and waited. The restaurant was nearly empty now, only a few remaining couples lingering by. 

"Hi, hon. You need anything?" A waitress asked him. He looked up at her, trying not to show how uncomfortable he was with the whole situation, and put on a smile that was clearly fake. 

"No, I'm fine. I guess my date couldn’t make it. Sorry for taking up the table", he said, picking the phone and shoving it in his pocket. Grantaire stood up and, still smiling at the sympathetic woman, made his way to the door. 

"Wait!", she called, but Grantaire kept walking. "You forgot the flowers!" 

"Keep them", Grantaire said, not bothering to look back as he exited the restaurant and walked over to the car. 

As soon as he entered the vehicle, Grantaire felt his phone buzz in his pocket. 

 **From:** **Enj** **♥ (22:02) Oh my god R I'm so sorry, are you still at the restaurant?**  

Grantaire rolled his eyes at the screen, locking it, but another message was received. 

 **From:** **Enj** **♥ (22:02) I had to stay in the office later** **and totally forgot about the date, I** **'m really sorry**  

A stinging sensation filled Grantaire's chest. Enjolras had forgotten. Grantaire wasn’t even special enough for Enjolras to remember him. On valentine's day. On their first valentine's day as a couple. 

 **To:** **Enj** **♥ (22:03) You** **forgot.**  

 **From:** **Enj** **♥ (22:04) Yes, and I** **'m really** **sorry. How can I make it up to you?**  

Grantaire felt tears burning his eyes. He wiped them away with the back of one hand, feeling anger replace the hollow feeling inside his chest. 

 **To** **:** **Enj** **♥ (22:04) Oh, I don’t know. Maybe going over to the restaurant where I sat for the last three hours waiting for you and telling everyone who looked at me with pity that the ugly guy who got stood up** **actually** **had** **a non-imaginary date.**  

Grantaire let both hands rest on the steering wheel, waiting for Enjolras' response. This time, it took longer than the previous replies. 

 **From:** **Enj** **♥** **(22:06) Why do you always have to bring the way you look into the conversation?**  

Grantaire laughed an ugly laugh, snorting. He couldn’t believe that. 

 **To** **:** **Enj** **♥ (22:06) You've got to be fucking kidding me**  

 **From** **:** **Enj** **♥ (22:07) I am most** **definitely** **not. I** **don’t see how your looks fit into this conversation** **at all**  

 **To** **:** **Enj** **♥ (22:07) Seriously,** **Enjolras** **? You're simply going to ignore** **the fact that you made me wait for you by myself in a fancy restaurant for three hours?**  

 **From** **:** **Enj** **♥ (22:08) I'm not ignoring that. I** **asked you how to make it up to** **you.**  

 **To** **:** **Enj** **♥ (22:08) There's no making up. You hurt me. You can't just apologize your way out of this one,** **Enj** **. You'll have to give me some time to lick my wounds.**  

 **From** **:** **Enj** **♥ (22:09) Okay**  

Grantaire stared at the phone for several seconds, waiting for another message. None came. 

He didn’t bother pretending he wasn’t crying as he put the key on the ignition of the car and started it. He decided to drive to a bar instead of going home. There was no way he'd manage to end this shitty day without making shitty decisions. 

He'd been clear for three months now, mostly due to his desire to impress Enjolras. Now, the deep ache inside his bones only increased as he thought about drinking again. 

Beside him, a text message made his phone buzz. He told himself he wouldn’t pick the phone up, but his heart didn’t listen to his brain. The grabbed the phone. 

 **From:** **Enj** **♥ (22:15) I just think it's really unfair of you to make such a big deal out of** **this. You know my work is important and I never know when I'll have to stay late at the office.** **Furthermore** **, valentine's day is a capitalist** **holiday designed by big companies so they can sell more useless things for higher prices, and you know that. There's nothing special about this. We could go out on any other day.**  

 **To** **:** **Enj** **♥ (22:16) You could have texted me telling you would be late instead of making me wait for three hours like a fucking idiot**  

 **From** **:** **Enj** **♥ (22:17) I already told you that I forgot and that I'm sorry** **, what else do you want me to say?**  

 **To** **:** **Enj** **♥ (22:18) Fuck off**  

 **From** **:** **Enj** **♥ (22:19) Wow, really mature of you**  

Grantaire was so busy texting an angry reply to Enjolras he didn’t see that he had just crossed an intersection with a red sign. He didn’t see the truck that hit his car either. 

It all happened too fast for Grantaire to realize what was going on. The truck hit his car on the passenger side, and the impact was so harsh that Grantaire's car capsized. 

In his distraction talking to Enjolras, Grantaire hadn't put his seatbelt on. His head was sent slamming against the driver's window and then against the steering wheel, with enough force to make him lose consciousness instantly, and his body was being thrown around like a rag doll inside the capsizing car. When the smashed vehicle finally came to a stop, upside down, Grantaire's unconscious body was lying on the ceiling of the car, unmoving. 

Beside his feet, screen cracked from the impact, the phone was still buzzing with an unread message. 

- 

Enjolras knew he had no right to be angry, but he was anyway. 

He also knew it had been wrong of him to leave Grantaire alone on valentine's day without texting him to warn about his delay, but he had completely forgot about that. Sometimes, he let his work get the best of him. 

As he entered his apartment, tired to the bones, he fished his phone out of his pocket and unlocked the screen. 

 **To** **: R ♥ (22:19) Wow, really mature of you** ** _(seen at 22:20)_**  

Enjolras scowled at the screen, annoyed. Of course Grantaire would read his messages without replying. Enjolras understood his boyfriend was upset, but he wanted to talk this over and resolve things already. He texted Grantaire again. 

 **To** **: R ♥ (22:24) Are you simply going to ignore me now?**  

No reply came, and this time the message wasn’t even seen. Enjolras frowned. 

 **To** **: R ♥ (22:29)** **You're being really childish. Please come over so we can talk this through**  

Enjolras locked his phone screen again and grabbed his laptop. He decided that if Grantaire wanted space, he would get space. Enjolras had already apologized, what else did the man want? 

Despite trying his best, Enjolras couldn’t concentrate in the article he was trying to read. He closed the browser, deciding to answer to some e-mails on his box. He had only answered two before he gave into temptation and texted Grantaire again. 

 **To: R ♥ (23:01) Look, R, I'm really sorry. You know I love you right? I** **really didn’t mean to forget the date, I** **'m sorry. Please come over? I** **can't stand having you mad at me because of this**  

 **To** **: R ♥ (23:02) I'm going to give you all the space you want, but as soon as you're ready I** **'d really like to talk this over ok? I'm sorry I hurt you**  

 **To: R ♥ (23:05) I love you**  

Enjolras set the phone aside and turned the TV on, channel surfing without finding anything interesting. He decided to leave it on the news channel, but didn’t pay attention to it. They were talking about some sort of accident that took place on a nearby intersection, which didn’t catch Enjolras' interest at all. He was starting to doze off on the couch when his phone ringed. Enjolras fumbled with it, heart rate picking up, hoping it was Grantaire. His heart dropped when he realized it was a call from Joly. 

"Hey Joly", he greeted, trying to keep the disappointment from his voice. "I've been meaning to talk to you about tomorrow's meeting. Do you think-" 

"Enjolras", Joly's trembling voice cut him. Enjolras frowned, heart tightening. 

"What is it?" The blonde man asked, standing up, breath caught in his throat. 

"You should come to the hospital as soon as you can. It's Grantaire". 

Enjolras' body fell back against the couch, legs unable to sustain his body. Enjolras felt all the blood from his body going towards his stomach, heart beating madly inside his chest. 

"What happened?" He managed to whisper, voice sounding week to his own ears. 

"He was in a car accident", Joly said, sounding like he was close to crying. "A truck hit his car on an intersection. It's... it's bad, Enjolras. He's in surgery right now. You should come over". 

Enjolras tried to speak, but the words wouldn’t come out. He looked back at the TV, where they were still talking about the accident. On the screen, he saw what he supposed to be Grantaire's car, completely smashed, broken glass scattered around the floor and smoke coming out of it. 

The phone, still connected to Joly's phone call, fell from Enjolras' trembling hands when he saw the puddle of blood beside the car's wreckage.


	2. Chapter 2

When Enjolras arrived at the hospital, Joly, Bossuet and Combeferre were already there. Combeferre was the ony one who got up from the plastic chair he was sitting on to greet him. 

"Where is he?" Enjolras asked, trying to keep the tremble from his voice. 

"He's in surgery. We'll know how he is once he gets out of it". 

"This is my fault", the blond man muttered, accepting Combeferre's embrace and burrying his head on his friend's chest. "I stood him up and he was texting me, if I had just showed up for the date none of his would have happened" 

"You stood him up?" Bossuet asked from where he was sitting, sounding indignant. "On valentine's day?" 

Combeferre sent the bald man a warning look, as Enjolras chocked a sob that was muffled by Combeferre's shirt. 

"I didn’t mean to", Enjolras whined. "I was stuck at work and I forgot. I didn’t mean to". 

"It's ok, Enj", Combeferre soothed, running his fingers through the man's curls. "We'll figure it out later. I'm sure Grantaire doesn’t blame you". 

"He was so mad", Enjolras was openly crying now, not caring about his friends watching. "He said I hurt him. He got hit because I didn’t show up". 

"Enjolras, please, try and calm down. Here, let's have a seat", Combeferre said, urging his friend towards the uncomfortable chairs the hospital provided in the waiting room. Enjolras lowered his head at the way Bossuet was staring at him. Beside the bald man, Joly was hugging his knees to his chest, looking worried and unaware of Enjolras' presence. 

In no time, Éponine arrived with Feuilly and Bahorel. 

"What the hell happened?" The girl asked as soon as she reached her boyfriend. Combeferre put a comforting hand on Enjolras' shoulder before standing up and pulling Éponine into a comforting hug. 

"He was on an accident. A truck hit his car. He's in surgery right now, we don't know when he'll come out of it". 

"Oh my god", she whispered, hugging Combeferre back. Bahorel and Feuilly greeted Enjolras with taps on the back and hands on his shoulder, full with sympathy for the man. Enjolras was Grantaire's boyfriend after all. 

Combeferre sat back down beside Enjolras, Éponine sitting beside her boyfriend. She looked worried out of her mind and didn’t even pay attention to the blond man until a sudden thought crossed her mind. 

"Why wasn’t Enjolras with R?" She asked. 

Enjolras raised his head and looked at her, apprehensive. 

"It's valentine's day, why weren't you with him?" The girl frowned. 

"I... I didn’t make it to the date", Enjolras explained weakly. "I had to stay in the office and couldn’t meet him". 

Éponine stared at him blankly. Combeferre could see his girlfriend's hands tightening into fists and put his hand on the top of hers. 

"I know it was wrong of me, Éponine. I don’t need your scolding", Enjolras continued. "And I know this is my fault. All I want is to see R happy and well". 

Éponine didn’t say anything, turning her back to Enjolras and to Combeferre angrily. 

Jehan's arrival was the worse. They had been crying for a long time, which was clear from the way their eyes were red and puffy. As soon as they got to the waiting room, Courfeyrac right on their heels, they threw their arms around Enjolras, sobbing.  

"My poor R", Jehan cried. "How is he?" 

"Still in surgery", Enjolras whispered in their ear, while rubbing their back in a comforting manner. 

"And how are you?" Jehan asked. Enjolras couldn’t hold back a chocked sob at this. No one had asked him that yet on that night, not even Combeferre. 

"I don't know", Enjolras answered, still hugging the small poet. "I'm so afraid. I can't lose him, Jehan". 

"You won't", Jehan reassured. "We won't. R is tough. He'll be just fine, you'll see". 

Enjolras didn’t reply, hugging Jehan closer instead.  

"At least he got to give you those beautiful flowers", Jehan muttered in Enjolras' ears. Enjolras opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. He held back another sob. "I saw them on his instagram. He spent the whole day flooding me with texts asking about flower meanings and colors. You're so lucky to have him" 

Enjolras gently nudged Jehan to the side and stood up, heading to the hospital bathroom. As soon as the white door closed behind him, he started to sob freely, no longer caring if anyone would see him. Through the tears, he fished his phone, opening the instagram app. Only having to scroll down a few pictures on his feed, he found Grantaire's latest post, from six hours ago. 

It was a picture of Grantaire holding a beautiful bouquet of red roses. He was wearing a green social shirt, which highlighted the color of his eyes, black pants and his dark curls were brushed back, only a few strands pointing out in the wrong directions. Grantaire was absolutely astonishing. Below the photo, there was a description. 

_Ready_ _to go on our first #_ _valentinesday_ _date with_ _Enj_ _♥ Wish me luck, hope everything goes well!_  

There was a knot on Enjolras' throat and he cried even harder, covering his mouth with his hands and closing his eyes shut. How could he have done this to Grantaire? How could he have forgotten about their date? 

Suddenly, he felt sick. The nausea took up his entire body and he couldn’t keep his body in a standing position. Falling to his knees, he crawled his way to a bathroom stall – what would Joly do if he saw Enjolras dragging himself on the floor of a hospital bathroom, oh my god – and opened the lid, emptying the contents of his stomach on the toilet. 

He thanked god the bathroom was empty as he vomited again, cleaning his mouth with the back of his hand. He forced himself to stand up, flushing the toilet, and rinsed his mouth with the water from the sink, washing his face afterwards. 

Enjolras looked at his reflection on the mirror. His hair was disheveled, face pale and eyes bloodshot. His lower lip was trembling in a childlike manner and he felt terrible. All he wanted was to see Grantaire, alive, well. He'd give anything to just hear the man's voice again. He would apologize a thousand times for not making it to the date. He would take him in a thousand dates if that’s what it took. 

There was a gentle knock on the bathroom door and Combeferre stepped in. 

"Christ, are you alright?" His bestfriend asked, sounding worried. 

"No", Enjolras replied with honesty. 

"Is there anything I can do?" Combeferre's eyes softened at the sight of Enjolras. 

"No", Enjolras sighed, washing his face once more. 

"We should go back to the waiting room", Combeferre said. 

"Is Éponine too mad at me?" 

It was Combeferre's turn to sigh. 

"You know how she is. As soon as she sees Grantaire is okay, she'll forgive you". 

"But what if he isn't ok?", Enjolras asked, sounding desperate. "What if he... if he..." 

"He will be ok, Enj", Combeferre reassured, putting both hands on Enjolras' shoulders. "He'll be just fine, you'll see". 

"I can't lose him, 'Ferre", the blond man whispered. 

"You won't", Combeferre pulled him into another hug. "I promise". 

"Guys", a voice said suddenly. Looking over Combeferre's shoulder, Enjolras saw Bossuet standing outside the bathroom, pushing the door open. "A doctor just came by. She said Grantaire's out of surgery". 

Enjolras was beside Bossuet in a blink of an eye, following the man down the hospital hall and towards the rest of the group. A doctor was standing in front of them, apparently waiting for Enjolras' arrival. 

"How is he?" Enjolras asked as soon as he reached the woman. 

"He is stable", she stated, and the entire group let out a sigh of relief. "You can't see him yet, though. He just got out of surgery, and is still unconscious. But there is something you should know". 

Enjolras bit his lower lip, holding his breath. 

"On the crash, your friend hit his head too violently. We did what we could, but we are not able to tell when he will wake up, or the extension of the head injury. You should hope for the best, but prepare yourself for the possible consequences". 

Enjolras ignored the way Joly tensed up beside him, and asked: "What consequences?" 

"There really is no telling when it comes to head injuries. It could cause temporary amnesia, permanent amnesia, brain damage, we don’t know yet. We'll only be sure when he wakes up". 

"When...", Enjolras swallowed dry. "When can I see him?" 

"Only relatives are allowed in right now. What's your relation with monsieur Grantaire?" 

"I'm his boyfriend", Enjolras practically sobbed. 

"I'm sorry, hon, but you'll have to come back tomorrow then. Come by after midday and we'll let you in ok?" 

"Please", he begged. Begged. What was happening to him? 

The nurse bit her lower lip, looking around. 

"Look, I usually don’t do this, but I can let you in for two minutes. Two minutes tops, then you'll have to leave, ok?" 

"Okay", Enjolras nodded, sniffing. "Thank you, thank you so much". 

He followed the nurse across the hall as quickly as he could, and took an elevator leading to the second floor. Enjolras was nervously chewing the inside of his lower lip and closing and opening his hands repeatedly. He just wanted to see Grantaire. 

The woman led him across another hall and pointed at a white door. 

"He's in here. After two minutes you'll have to leave okay?" 

"Okay", he whispered, pushing the door open gently. 

He promised himself he wouldn’t cry anymore but couldn’t stop the tears from falling when he saw Grantaire lying unconscious on the bed. The man was as pale as Enjolras had ever seen him, a deep cut on the left side of his forehead covered by a bandage. His face was covered by what seemed to be a thousand little red cuts, probably caused by the smashed car window. There was a nasty bruise forming on the right side of his forehead and another one on his jaw. His eyes were puffy and red, dark circles under his eyes. 

There was a bandage around Grantaire's head, hiding his dark curls from view. Enjolras could not tell if they had been shaved or if they were just jammed beneath the bandages. There was a fresh white cast around Grantaire's left arm, and a bandage around his right knee. Tubes were protruding from his mouth, aiding his breathing – how could he have forgotten how to breathe? - and an IV was connected to his hand. Enjolras hadn't asked the doctor what kind of surgery Grantaire had been in – he was too busy worrying about the man – so he had no idea in which state Grantaire was in, except that the man looked like he was half-dead. 

"I'm sorry", Enjolras sobbed, putting his hand over Grantaire's. "I'm so sorry, R. For everything. Please, forgive me" 

"Sweetheart, you need to go now", the doctor said, entering the room. 

"I love you, R", Enjolras said, leaning over and pressing a soft kiss on the man's brow. "I'll come back for you tomorrow, 'kay? I love you so much, never forget that". 

Enjolras stood up, tears still running down his cheeks as the doctor urged him out from the room. He reencountered his friends on the waiting room, Jehan being the first one to embrace him. 

"How is he?" The small poet asked. The entire group awaited for Enjolras' response. 

"He's... he's..." Enjolras chocked. 

"It's okay, Enj", Courfeyrac soothed, suddenly by his side, a comforting hand on his shoulder. 

"He was so pale", Enjolras muttered as his friends led him out of the hospital. "And there was a tube aiding his breathing... and he broke his left arm, how is he going to paint 'Ferre?", Enjolras whined. 

"Don't worry, his arm will get better", Combeferre comforted. 

"He looked half-dead", Enjolras whispered, immediately regretting doing so because of the way he heard Jehan gasp behind him. 

"It's ok", Courfeyrac said, pulling Enjolras by the waist. "It's going to be ok. It's R, he's gotten out alive of worse". 

Enjolras didn’t say anything else, following Combeferre inside his car – despite the shiver that went down his spine when he did so – and settling himself in the backseat. Joly and Bossuet caught a ride with them, all squeezed quietly on the backseat. 

As Combeferre pulled over right outside the apartment Joly and Bossuet shared with Musichetta, the young doctor finally turned to him, staring Enjolras deeply inside his eyes. 

"They gave me a bag with the personal belongings they managed to retrieve from the wreckage", Joly said. "You know, since I was his emergency contact and all. But I think it's best if you keep it". 

Joly handed the plastic bag over to Enjolras. Inside, there was Grantaire's phone, screen cracked, a key to his apartment, his wallet, a smashed sketchbook and a cigarette pack. Enjolras grabbed it, pulling it close to his chest and nodding quietly to Joly. The pair exited the car, thanking Combeferre for the ride and saying their goodbyes.  

"Do you want me to stay with you?", Combeferre asked, despite Éponine being in the front sit with him. Enjolras knew what the right answer was. 

"No, it's ok", he said, voice hoarse from crying. "Go home. See you tomorrow". 

Enjolras jumped out of the car, suddenly physically repelled from it, and made his way inside the building. 

As he reached his floor, he realized he had left the front door ajar in his rush to get to the hospital. Cursing himself, he entered the apartment and closed the door behind him with a click that sounded too loud in the silence of the room. 

His TV was still on too, so Enjolras grabbed the remote and turned it off, heading over to his bedroom. Taking his pants off and replacing them with sweatpants, he threw himself on his bed, feeling awful. 

He knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep properly on that night, so he took Grantaire's phone. Usually, he would call that invasion of privacy, but when they started their relationship Grantaire himself had stated he didn’t mind Enjolras going over his phone, since he had nothing to hide.  

Despite the cracked screen, Enjolras could still find the texting app and opened it, heart thumping madly. The message Grantaire had been typing when he got crashed was still lingering in the screen. Enjolras couldn’t read it properly because of the cracks, but he managed to hit the send button. 

Instantly, Enjolras' phone buzzed with the new text. He grabbed it, eyes still wet, and opened Grantaire's new message. 

**From R ♥ (04** **:22) U** **know what,** **Enjolras** **? Fuck this. You know that** **i** **ve** **loved you for years now and how much our first valentine** **s day together meant for me. If you** **werent** **coming you could have at least told me so I** **wouldn** **t** **look like a** **fckn** **fool. I** **love u a lot** **, but** **im** **getting kind of tired of being treated like a second option to** **everyt**  

Enjolras hugged his pillow and cried himself to sleep. 


	3. Chapter 3

It was only after one month that Grantaire woke up. 

Enjolras made sure he visited Grantaire every single day: he'd wake up, go to the hospital, stay with his boyfriend until a nurse kicked him out, go to work, go to the hospital again and then go home. 

His life had gotten a lot messier since the accident; he only ate a proper meal if he had spare time, otherwise he'd manage to go through the day with only breakfast and little snacks he took when he felt too hungry. There was a shadow of a beard growing on his face, which was terribly uncommon – Enjolras hated to have facial hair. He was becoming the human personification of a train wreck, and even his boss was noticing that. Lamarque had already called him into his office not once, but four times throughout the month. He was on the brink of loosing his job.  

And Lamarque wasn’t the only one to realize that. Combeferre flooded him daily with texts about eating and taking care of himself, Joly called him at least once a day to remind him of the importance of self care, and Courfeyrac kept making surprise appearances at his house to entertain him. Enjolras was glad for his friends presence; he wouldn’t know what to do without them there for him. But most of all, he missed Grantaire. 

Enjolras hadn't been able to lead a single meeting since the accident. It had been four weeks now, with Combeferre and Courfeyrac leading together as Enjolras watched them from a table nearby. He would still give his opinions, but his mind was too distracted by his worries to allow him to be anything more than just a participant. 

The truth was, Enjolras was unhappy. The man he loved was in a coma because of him, the meetings he used to lead to talk about social injustice barely motivated him and his dream job was at risk. 

"You can't keep going like this", Combeferre told him as they were leaving the Musain, after the last meeting. "I'm worrying about you. You've been eating less and less and Lamarque tells me you're not doing too well. You'll need to be strong for Grantaire when he wakes up". 

"I know", Enjolras responded, stoic. "I just... I feel so lost". 

Combeferre frowned. 

"I've never seen you like this, Enjolras", he commented. "You've always handled this kind of situation with levelheadedness. Losing control of yourself is unlike you". 

"I know", Enjolras sighed as he reached his apartment building. "But I think... I still feel guilty for this situation. I know what you'll say", he stopped Combeferre before the man could speak. "But there's no way you can deny that if I had shown up to the date, none of this would have happened". 

"You can't know that", Combeferre said. "There is an infinite number of things that could have happened if you had gone to the date. There's no way to know what might have been". 

Enjolras sighed, lowering his head and refusing to meet his friend's eyes. 

"Enj, I'm just saying this because I miss you. I miss the old you. And it's not only me, all your friends miss you too, just like we miss R. You can't let this incident change your life. R will need you more than ever when he wakes, and seeing you like this will make things even harder for the both of you. Maybe seeing the old you will help with his recovery". 

Enjolras sighed again, looking at Combeferre. 

"You're right, 'Ferre. Thank you". 

"It's alright, my friend. I will always be here for you when you need me, ok?" 

"Ok", Enjolras replied, embracing Combeferre before entering his building. 

Enjolras decided he would listen to his friends. He got home, shaved, took a shower, ate dinner (when was the last time he had eaten dinner?) and went to bed early. He even managed to keep this routine for the following days. 

On the next meeting at the Musain, Enjolras took the floor. Those who knew him well could see he lacked a bit of his usual passion, but he delivered a better speech than he had expected. On the meeting after that, he looked more like himself than he had in the last weeks. 

Of course, it all went to hell when he got the call. 

The meeting had just been declared finished when Enjolras' phone vibrated in his pocket. His blood ran cold when he recognized the hospital's number. 

"Hello?" He greeted, trying to keep his voice from shaking. Combeferre watched Enjolras carefully as he swallowed dry and nodded briefly. "I'm on my way. Thank you very much". 

All of Enjolras' friends had stopped in their tracks upon seeing Enjolras taking the call. They were frozen in the spot, carefully watching, and stared at the leader in silence when he finished the call. 

"Well?" Bahorel asked, apprehensive. 

Enjolras opened the brightest smile they had ever seen on his face. 

"R is waking up", he beamed. 

- 

The approaching nurse eyed the group of twelve people carefully before speaking up. 

"Monsieur Grantaire?" 

All of them stood up in perfect synchrony. The nurse kept eying them. 

"For now only two of you can go in at the time. He's woken up a few minutes ago and is still confused and disoriented". 

Enjolras immediately stepped forward, and nobody questioned it when Joly took his side. He was Grantaire's oldest friend, after all. 

They both followed the man to Grantaire's room, Joly taking Enjolras' hand in his to comfort him. They looked at each other briefly before the nurse spoke up again. 

"Don't expect him to talk much, and try not disrupting him. He seems to be confused about the date but we can't be sure if it's amnesia yet. He's still pretty out of it, so be patient". 

Both Enjolras and Joly nodded at him before entering the room. 

Grantaire was lying down, slightly propped up by pillows, left arm still in a cast and glassy eyes looking around the room in confusion. He stirred when the door clicked, looking at the pair. 

"Hey, R", Joly greeted, smiling. "How are you feeling?" 

Grantaire stared at the man for a few seconds without any trace of recognition in his eyes. Then, suddenly, he smiled, opening and closing his mouth a couple times before finally speaking. 

"Joly", he said. Joly nodded, tears in his eyes, and approached the bed, taking R's hand in his. 

"We've missed you so much, R. I'm so glad you're back". 

Grantaire frowned, looking confused again. 

"I... I don't...", he tried, but to no end. He seemed to be at a lack for words. 

Grantaire never lacked words. 

Enjolras hadn't realized he was glued to the spot near the door until both Joly and Grantaire looked at him. Immediately regaining control over his legs, he walked towards the bed, a genuine smile on his face. 

"Hey there, R", he greeted, imitating Joly's position on the opposite side of the bed. 

"H-hey", Grantaire greeted, but there was a hint of a frown on his forehead. 

"I've missed you so much", Enjolras whispered, nearly sobbing. Finally, this was over. Finally, he would be able to take Grantaire home and show the man how he was loved. 

Grantaire seemed uneasy, and tensed up when Enjolras caught his hand. Seeing the man's discomfort, he let ago, pretending it didn’t send a stabbing sensation though his chest. 

Joly leaned forward towards Grantaire after the cynic tugged at his sleeve invitingly, positioning his ear beside Grantaire's mouth so he could hear what the cynic wanted to whisper to him. 

Enjolras couldn’t help but notice the way Joly was pale when he straightened himself on the chair again. 

"This is Enjolras, R", Joly explained, and Enjolras' brain couldn’t - didn’t want to – compute what he was saying. "Don't you remember Enjolras?" 

Grantaire shook his head slightly, looking afraid and confused. Joly put on a sympathetic smile. 

"It's okay. You just woke up after a month-long coma, I'm sure everything will come back to you in no time, alright?" 

Grantaire nodded, but he still looked afraid. 

"What... happened?" He asked Joly. Enjolras pretended he wasn’t bothered by the way Grantaire was avoiding gazing into his general direction. 

"You were in a car crash", Joly explained, making soothing circles on Grantaire's hand with his thumb. "And you hit your head pretty bad. But you're okay now, and that's what matters". 

Grantaire bit his lower lip, pensive. Enjolras tried to control his breathing, stopping himself from crying. 

"Can you tell me what's the last thing you remember?" Joly asked patiently. 

Grantaire hesitated. 

"I... I was... at home?" He said, sounding doubtful. "Painting...? Upset, too". 

This didn’t help much. Grantaire was an artist, which meant he painted all the time. This memory could have been from two months ago or two years. Joly suppressed a sigh. 

"That's good, R, really good", he comforted. "How are you feeling right now?" 

"Tired", Grantaire replied, blinking sluggishly. 

"Alright", Joly chuckled. "We'll let you rest now, ok?" 

"Kay", Grantaire said. 

"Do you feel up to taking visitors later or do you want me to send the gang away?" 

"It's ok", was all Grantaire managed to say. 

Joly nodded and stood up, kissing Grantaire's brow before heading towards the door. Enjolras stood up too, but he lingered beside Grantaire's bed, hesitant. Grantaire finally looked at him, confusion in his eyes. 

"I... I'll be going, too", Enjolras said, dumbly. 

"Kay", Grantaire replied, frowning. 

"Kay", Enjolras echoed. He wanted to kiss Grantaire on the lips, but couldn’t even imagine the man's reaction if he did so. So he awkwardly leaned over, dropping a kiss on Grantaire's cheek and pretending that the way the man flinch at the touch didn’t make him feel his stomach drop. "Bye, R", he said, as he turned his back to the bed and walked over to Joly. 

"Bye", Grantaire replied, in a monotone. 

Joly put a comforting hand on Enjolras' shoulder as soon as the door closed behind them, but followed the man down to the floor when Enjolras' legs gave way and he slid down, back leaning against the wall. 

"He doesn’t remember me", Enjolras sobbed as Joly embraced him. "He doesn’t know who I am". 

"Shh, calm down", Joly soothed. "We don’t know if it's permanent yet. He may just be confused, we don't know yet". 

"He doesn’t remember", Enjolras sobbed uselessly, wetting Joly's shirt. 

"Shh, shh", Joly caressed Enjolras head as the man clinged to his shirt like a lifeline. "It's ok, it's ok". 

Joly helped Enjolras up and lead him through the corridor back to their friends. They all eyes Enjolras fearfully as they saw the man in tears, but Joly explained R was feeling too tired to have visitors right now and they should all come back later that day. No one dared to ask why Enjolras was crying so much in front of the man himself, but later Joly explained Grantaire might be amnesiac and he didn’t recognize Enjolras. 

Combeferre went with Enjolras' apartment with him, too wary to leave his friend by himself. He held Enjolras close as he always did when his friend was upset, caressing his curls soothingly as he cried all over Combeferre's shirt, sobs shaking his body and eventually leaving him too tired to remain awake. 


	4. Chapter 4

Enjolras tried to move on and give Grantaire space. 

It had been two months since Grantaire came out of his coma. He was still taking physiotherapy sessions and neurotherapy. Enjolras barely even saw him anymore, so he decided to do the only thing he could to keep his mind busy. 

He started working more and dedicating what spare time he had to the cause. 

A lot of Enjolras' work had accumulated in the time he was busy worrying about Grantaire. So now was the time to get it done. The only occasions in which he even saw his friends were during meetings, and even then, it was brief, for he didn’t bother going out with them afterwards. 

Occasionaly, he'd ask Joly about Grantaire, since the young doctor had taken the man into his house to keep a close eye on him and take care of him when necessary. Joly's answers were always the same. 

"He's improving, starting to remember more things". 

Enjolras never bothered asking if Grantaire had remembered him already. He knew that if he had, Joly would have told him. 

Grantaire didn’t remember Enjolras, amongst several other things. He remembered Joly and Bossuet, but had no idea who Feuilly and Marius were. He didn’t remember Bahorel either, but developed a friendship with the man in less than two days. He somehow remembered Cosette, and he forgot about Musichetta but remembered Éponine. He recognized Jehan instantly, but it took him a little longer to remember Courfeyrac (and even longer to remember they were on a relationship with each other). It took Grantaire days to remember Combeferre, but eventually he did. 

But he still didn’t remember Enjolras. Maybe it was because he was clearly avoiding Grantaire. 

Enjolras knew that what he was doing was unhealthy, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He couldn’t handle seeing Grantaire right within his reach, but unnable to touch him. Enjolras was afraid he'd accidentally declare his love for Grantaire out of desperation and scare the man away forever. So he decided to go back to doing what put them in this entire mess in the first place. 

 Lamarque stopped complaining about his lack of attention regarding his work, and started complaining about his excessive attention. On days when there were no meetings, he'd find Enjolras still at the office at late hours. The last straw was when he arrived at the office in the morning and Enjolras was still there. 

"Did you even go home?", Lamarque asked. 

"I have work to do", Enjolras replied absent mindedly, not looking up from the computer screen. "I need to get this done". 

Lamarque looked at Enjolras' red eyes and the dark bags beneath them. They were starting to get unfocused and glassy from exhaustion. 

"When was the last time you slept, son?" 

"I don't know", Enjolras didn’t bother lying. "Probably two days ago? I'll get this done and go home, I promise". 

"No", Lamarque objected. "Go home now. You can finish this later". 

"But-" 

"Now, Enjolras. Don't make me call Combeferre".  

Enjolras looked up at his boss, brows frowning in annoyance and lips shut tight. Lamarque sent him an unimpressed look. 

"Don’t give me that look. You know you need to get some sleep and have a proper meal, and deal with whatever it is that is upsetting you. Take two days off". 

"There's nothing upsetting me", Enjolras muttered, collecting some of his stuff and putting it inside his bag.  

"Fine, then. If you don't want to deal with your problems, that's up to you", Lamarque made his way to his office. "But just know, Enjolras, that keeping what upsets you to yourself does more harm than good". 

Enjolras threw his bag on his shoulder and exited the office. 

Of course, he didn’t sleep when he got home. He knew he wouldn’t. 

This had nothing to do with the fact that all he saw when he closed his eyes was Grantaire. 

Instead, he grabbed his laptop and started working on the speech he'd deliver on that night at the Musain. By the end of the two hours that it took him to finish writing it, it sounded shallow and lacked the consistency that his speeches usually had. He sighed, rubbing his eyes with his hands and ignoring the loud sound coming from his stomach. He didn’t even know when was the last time he had eaten. 

He searched for his notebook distantly, to see what was the next thing he needed to do. Seeing he still had to talk to Joly about a protest they were planning for the next month, he reached for his phone and called his friend. 

"Hey, Enjolras. Is everything ok?" Joly picked up after the third ring, sounding worried in his doctor-like manner. 

"Hey Joly. I needed to talk to you and Lesgle about the protest next month, do you still have that contact I needed?" 

"Sure, sure. Do you want to meet us today?" 

"That'd be cool. Are you busy right now?", Enjolras asked. 

"No. Would you like to come over?" 

Enjolras' mouth opened to say yes, but then he remembered – Grantaire lived with Joly now. Maybe if his mind wasn’t sluggish because of sleep deprivation and hunger, he would have thought about that before making the call. 

"Enjolras?" Joly asked, when a few seconds passed without receiving any reply from the blonde. 

"Uh, sorry, something caught my attention", Enjolras said. "I think it would be better if... if you guys came over?" 

He could picture Joly frowning. There was shuffling and the sound of footsteps on the line, and then a door clicking. Joly started to whisper. 

"Hm, actually, would it bother you terribly if I asked you to come over?" He asked. "I'm really not sure me and Lesgle should leave R alone for now, and 'Chetta is working so she can't come by to keep an eye on him. Also, he's been asking about you". 

Enjolras' heart skipped a beat. 

"He has?" He asked, voice filled with emotion. 

"Shit, sorry Enj, that was a poor word choice", Joly apologized, cursing. Enjolras' smile died in his face. "I meant he's been asking about you, because he only saw you a few times on the hospital and he was wondering why is it you're avoiding him". 

Enjolras swallowed dry. 

"You... still haven't told him about me, then". 

"I thought it would be better if you did?" Joly said apologetically. "Honestly, you've been postponing it for too long. You need to talk to him, Enj". 

It was probably due to the fact he hadn't slept for nearly 48 hours, but Enjolras felt a fit of anger growing inside him. He stood up from the couch. 

"Look, Joly", he started, but then something odd happened. He had gotten up too fast for someone who hadn't eaten in a long time. 

"Enjolras?" Joly asked, when the blond man didn’t finish what he was saying.  

Enjolras' vision was blurred and a lot of dark spots appeared in front of his eyes. He was losing balance. 

"I..." He tried to say, but the world decided to shift around him and suddenly he was on the floor, phone clacking on the wooden surface away from his grasp, and consciousness leaving him at once. 

- 

When Enjolras opened his eyes, he was lying on a soft surface and everything was dark. 

"Oh my god I'm blind", he muttered, horrified. That was the only conclusion his sluggish mind could supply him on the moment. 

Someone chuckled softly beside him, and Enjolras' heart found it's way into his throat. He'd recognize that chuckle anywhere. 

"Wait a sec", Grantaire said from somewhere beside him, and suddenly the lamp on his nightstand was lit. Enjolras hadn't gone blind after all. 

They were inside Enjolras' room, curtains and door closed. Looking to the digital clock beside the lamp, Enjolras startled at the time. It was 9 p.m. He had slept through the meeting! 

"Shit!", the blond man muttered, covering his eyes with his hands. 

"Hey, Joly said you might want to drink this", Grantaire said, offering him a cup of water and an aspirin. Enjolras took it, making sure he didn’t touch Grantaire's hands for longer than necessary. What was he doing there? He drank the water and returned the glass to Grantaire, who placed it on the top of the digital clock. 

"What happened?" Enjolras asked, looking anywhere but at Grantaire. 

"You passed out", Grantaire replied, sounding like he had memorized what he had to say. "While you were on the phone with Joly. He and Bossuet came over, and brought me along because they think I'm an invalid that can't survive without them for one hour. He asked me to tell you that when he gets back you and him will have a serious talk about self care, whatever that's supposed to mean". 

"Where are they right now?" Enjolras asked. 

"They couldn’t reach Combeferre through the phone and went to the Musain to talk to him. They left ten minutes ago. They probably think you're more of an invalid than I am, since they left me here to keep an eye on you. Though I think they were only trying to give us some alone time so we could talk". 

Enjolras finally looked at Grantaire, for the first time in two months of avoiding the man. He looked more beautiful than Enjolras had ever seen him. 

"So we could talk?" Enjolras echoed. 

"Yes. I know there's something going on between-", Grantaire gestured widely with his hands at the empty space between him and Enjolras. "But no one will tell me what. And you've been avoiding me since I left the hospital". 

"I...", Enjolras swallowed dry. "I really haven't. I'm sorry. I just got caught up at work because there was a lot for me to do since I... I..." 

"It's ok", Grantaire interrupted, sounding sympathetic. "I understand. It must suck for you that I don’t remember who you are. I'm sorry". 

"It's not your fault, R", Enjolras replied, tilting his face away from Grantaire, hoping the man hadn't seen the tears threatening to spill from the leader's eyes. 

"Yeah, but it probably still sucks", Grantaire responded, and an awkward silence lingered between them for what felt like an eternity. 

"But who are you?" Grantaire continued, voice nearing a whisper. "To me, I mean". 

"I... I don't understand", Enjolras said, trying to avoid the question. 

"I feel like I'm supposed to know you, like... like there's something missing. Something that doesn’t add up. But I can't remember what. It didn’t feel like this when I didn’t remember Combeferre or Feuilly. It feels... different. Like a missing limb, or something like that. A phantom pain". 

Enjolras looked at Grantaire again, and he looked disturbed. 

"Sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you", Grantaire said, avoiding Enjolras' gaze. "I just want to understand". 

"You're not upsetting me", Enjolras said, propping himself on his elbows and trying to reach a sitting position. "It's ok. And I'm sorry you don’t remember. But I'm sure it will come back to you". 

Grantaire snorted sarcastically, the way he used to whenever he disagreed with one of Enjolras' ideals. 

"Even if it doesn’t", Enjolras completed, afraid that Grantaire would get too upset and walk away. "Even if it doesn’t come back to you, we can always start over". 

"Start _what_ over?" Grantaire asked, curiously. "You still haven't answered my question". 

Enjolras sighed, defeated. He knew he would have no other choice than having this conversation. He leaned over towards the nightstand, opening the small drawer and pulling something out of it. It was a photo frame. He handed it over at Grantaire. 

The cynic stared at it for a long time in the dim light of the room. 

"We were boyfriends", Enjolras explained, ignoring the way his voice trembled. "We had been dating since December, when you asked me out on Courfeyrac's Christmas party, which was when this picture was taken. Your accident was on Valentine's Day, and it was my fault. I was a terrible boyfriend who worked too much. And I'm really sorry, for everything. And I love you". 

Grantaire stared at Enjolras blankly. Then a frown appeared between his eyebrows. He looked distressed. 

"I... I...", he muttered, placing the frame on the bed beside Enjolras and getting up from the chair he had been sat on. "I'm sorry, uh, I have to go", Grantaire made his way to the bedroom door. 

"Grantaire, please", Enjolras practically cried,  and Grantaire hesitated, stopping on his tracks, back turned to Enjolras. "I know you don’t remember me and it must all be very confusing for you, and I really, really don’t expect you to love me back or keep dating me, I really don’t. But please, I know I shouldn’t have avoided you for this long, but I really don’t want to lose your friendship. We can start over. We can get to know each other again. We can do this, R", there were tears running down Enjolras' cheeks now. "Please, don’t leave again", he begged. 

Grantaire turned and looked at him, confusion and dread in his eyes. 

"I'm really sorry", he muttered, before turning around and exiting the bedroom, leaving Enjolras alone on the barely illuminated room. 


	5. Chapter 5

Joly and Bossuet were going up the stairs of Enjolras' building when they saw Grantaire exiting the apartment in a rush. 

"Hey!" Joly halted. "What happened, where are you going?" 

He was holding Grantaire by the shoulders, despite the man's effort to get away. 

"He is my _boyfriend_?" He basically yelled. "And the one responsible for the accident? Why none of you told me that?" 

Joly and Bossuet sighed in unison. 

"He wasn’t responsible for the accident", Bossuet explained. "He just blames himself for it". Grantaire frowned. 

"Bossuet, take Grantaire home and explain everything to him. I'll go check on Enjolras". 

"C'mon R", Bossuet urged Grantaire down the stairs, as Joly kept climbing them and made his way to Enjolras' apartment. 

When he entered the bedroom, after knocking lightly and receiving no response, he encountered Enjolras staring blankly at the wall in front of him, barely blinking. 

"Enjolras?" Joly called. The man remained silent. "Enjolras, are you okay?" He approached the bed and sat on the edge of it, taking Enjolras' hand in his. 

"He hates me", Enjolras muttered, still staring at the wall. "I told him what happened and he hates me. He looked at me with such... fear". 

"He doesn’t hate you", Joly rolled his eyes. "And on his defense, you explained the situation very poorly. He misunderstood, that's all. Bossuet is talking to him ok?" 

Enjolras stared at Joly, eyes red and wet. 

"But I don’t want him to feel forced to talk to me", he pouted. 

"Since when R did anything by force?" Joly asked and Enjolras sighed. 

"I showed him the photo", he said. "The one we took on Christmas after we first kissed beneath the mistletoe". 

"That's good", Joly reassured. "Showing him stuff like this is good. May trigger a memory and help him remember". 

"He looked horrified", Enjolras muttered. 

"He wasn’t horrified, Enjolras, he must have been confused. Imagine waking up from a coma and seeing a picture of you with an unknown man". 

Enjolras sobbed. 

"Oh my god", Joly sighed. "Look, Enjolras, you're tired. You're emotionally unstable. You were awake for two days straight and god knows how long it has been since you last ate. I called Lamarque and he told me you barely leave the office. This is extremely unhealthy and I will not have you self-destructing because of this whole situation. So I am going to go to the kitchen, prepare you a soup, you're going to eat it and then you're going to sleep. And when you're 100% recovered, only then, I will think about how to resolve this entire situation. Anything to say?" 

Enjolras stared at Joly for a few seconds, mouth ajar. 

"Thank you, Joly", he muttered. Joly embraced him. 

"Also, I'm totally telling Combeferre about how you passed out from exhaustion", the young doctor said as he exited the bedroom. 

"Please don’t!", Enjolras yelled, to no avail. 

- 

When Enjolras woke up and checked the time on the digital clock, it was 1 p.m. Feeling like a whale had used his body as a pillow, he got up, went to the bathroom and took a cold shower. Since Lamarque had given him the day off, he took breakfast – as Joly had so vehemently instructed – and settled himself on the couch. He thought about grabbing his laptop and checking some articles, but his head was feeling too cotton-like for him to do so. He decided to check his phone to see if Combeferre had sent him any angry message. 

There were three new messages for him. One was from Combeferre, and he checked it first. 

 **From:** **Ferre** **(00:07) You and I are going to have a very, very serious conversation. Call me when you wake up.**  

Enjolras scoffed quietly, and moved to the next two messages. 

The phone nearly dropped from his hands when he saw who had sent them. 

 **From: The Love of my Life ♥ (04:57) Hey... so, sorry for barging out yesterday. That was kind of a dick move. But in my defense you're sort of shitty on explaining things properly. Bossuet told me what happened. He also told me you stood me up on valentine's day, which was also a dick move. So I guess we're even then? Also, I really wanted to talk things through. Properly. I** **don’t think I** **'m ready to continue the relationship we were in before the accident, but we could try getting to know each other again, because I** **'m not sure I'm still the same** **Grantaire** **you fell in love with. Anyways,** **i'm** **ranting, what I wanted to say is that I think we should try being friends and stuff**  

 **From: The Love of my Life ♥ (05:12) Are you free tomorrow? (actually today but you know what I mean)**  

Enjolras breathed in deeply, trying to keep his cool. He could remember the exact day he changed Grantaire's contact name on his phone. He had thought he'd never be able to speak to the man again. Enjolras typed a reply, re-reading it at least five times before hitting send. 

 **To: The Love of my Life ♥ (13:10) It's ok, getting to know each other is a good start. And yes, I'm free today, just tell me the time and place. Sorry for taking so long to reply, I was asleep ;-)**  

Enjoras locked the phone screen and focused his eyes on the television, pretending he wasn’t anxioulsy waiting for the device to vibrate. 

Five minutes later, a new text was received. He fumbled with the phone before unlocking it. 

 **From: The Love of my Life ♥ (13:15) omg I cant believe you put noses on your** **smiley faces**  

 **From** **: The Love of my Life ♥ (13:15) I mean wtf why would anyone do that**  

Enjolras chuckled. When he and Grantaire first started texting, they entered the same discussion. 

 **To** **:** **The Love** **of** **my** **Life** **♥ (13:16)** **the** **noses** **give** **them** **personality** **:-)**  

 **From** **:** **The Love** **of** **my** **Life ♥ (13:17) no** **they** **don't** **??** **Any** **way** **,** **how** **about** **3** **pm** **on** **Joly's** **?**  

 **From** **:** **The Love** **of** **my** **Life ♥ (13:17)** **hes** **still** **mothering** **me** **and** **doesnt** **want** **to** **let** **me go out** **by** **myself** **yet** **.** **Dont** **worry** **tho** **,** **he** **bossuet** **and** **chetta** **will** **be** **out** **so** **we** **can** **have** **some** **privacy**  

 **To** **:** **The Love** **of** **my** **Life ♥ (13:18) ok.** **I'll** **be** **there** **at** **3** **then**  

 **To** **:** **The Love** **of** **my** **Life ♥ (13:19)** **should** **I** **bring** **anything** **?**  

 **From** **:** **The Love** **of** **my** **Life ♥ (13:21)** **i** **wouldnt** **mind** **having** **some hot chocolate** **if** **that** **s** **ok**  

 **From** **:** **The Love** **of** **my** **Life ♥ (13:21)** **dont** **worry** **ill** **pay** **u** **when** **u** **get** **here**  

Enjolras frowned. Grantaire had always hated hot chocolate. 

 **To** **:** **The Love** **of** **my** **Life ♥ (13:22) ok,** **I'l** **l** **bring** **some.** **Also** **don't** **worry** **about** **it,** **it's** **not** **like** **hot chocolate** **is** **the** **most** **expensive** **thing** **in** **the** **world ;-)**  

The next reply took longer to come, leaving Enjolras waiting anxiously for Grantaire's response. 

 **From** **:** **The Love** **of** **my** **Life ♥ (13:34)** **hey** **,** **can** **i** **ask** **u** **something** **?**  

Enjolras frowned, fingers hovering over the phone screen. He was about to type na answer when a call was received. It was from Combeferre. 

"Hey Ferre", Enjolras greeted. "Can I call you in a sec?" 

"No", Combeferre replied, sounding serious. "We're talking about this Enjolras. You miss the meeting, don’t answer your phone, and then Joly shows up and tells everyone you passed out from exhaustion? And in no less than thirty minutes I get a text from Lamarque telling me to keep an eye on you? What the hell, Enjolras? Have you no regard for your health at all?" 

"I'm sorry, Ferre", Enjolras replied honestly. "I promise you I'm going to take better care of myself". 

"I'm coming over", Combeferre said, in a tone that showed the subject was not up to discussion. "I know Lamarque gave you the day off, and we need to talk personally". 

"No", Enjolras immediately objected. "I... something came up, I'm going out in a few". 

Combeferre was silent for a few seconds. 

"What came up?" 

"Grantaire asked me to meet him. I, well, he said he wanted to start things over. Be friends. And I'll be going there so we can talk things through". 

Combeferre sighed. 

"It's your life, Enj, you can do whatever you want. But this... this thing with Grantaire, it's hurting you. It's physically harming you. Maybe you should rethink it before jumping into this whirlwind again. I don’t want to see you more hurt, and Grantaire's changed. He isn't exactly the same man we knew". 

Enjolras took a deep breath, ignoring the way his heart was hurting. 

"I need to try", he whispered. "I need to give it a try". 

"Alright", Combeferre said in a weird voice. "Call me when you're done. And take care, Enjolras". 

"Will do. Thank you, Ferre", Enjolras said, before hanging up. He immediately reopened his messages, hoping Grantaire wouldn’t mind him taking so long to reply. 

 **To** **:** **The Love** **of** **my** **Life ♥ (13:40)** **sorry** **for** **the** **delay** **, Ferre** **called** **me.** **Sure** **,** **you** **can** **ask** **me** **anything** **you** **want** **. ;-)**  

It took Grantaire ten minutes to reply, and this time Enjolras didn’t even set the phone aside in his wait. 

 **From** **:** **The Love** **of** **my** **Life ♥ (13:51)** **nvm** **, its** **nothing** **.** **We** **can** **talk** **it over** **when** **you** **arrive**  

Enjolras frowned, anxiety making his palms sweat.  

 **To** **: The Love of my Life ♥ (13:52) ok then :-)** **i'll** **be there at 3**  

 **From** **: The Love of my Life ♥ (13:52) alright, see u**  

Enjolras set the phone down, staring blankly at the TV. He turned it off, heading for his bedroom to get ready, despite being one hour early. 

- 

Enjolras arrived at Joly's building half an hour early. He was conflicted about knocking on the apartment door or waiting outside, a cup of hot chocolate in each hand. If he waited until it was 3, the hot chocolates would grow cold, if he knocked now, it would be impolite. He was pacing on the corridor having a inner discussion with himself regarding on what to do, when Joly's apartment door opened, Grantaire leaning on the doorframe with a raised eyebrow. 

"Uh... hey", Enjolras greeted, feeling himself blush. 

"Hey", Grantaire smiled. _Smiled_. Enjolras felt his knees grow week and suddenly remembered what Combeferre said to him earlier. If a single smile from Grantaire could do this to him... 

"Uh, sorry, I'm early", Enjolras stated dumbly. 

"It's ok. I could hear you pacing in the corridor and muttering to yourself", Grantaire jested, gesturing with his hands for Enjolras to go in. 

"I wasn’t muttering", Enjolras automatically replied, entering the apartment and setting both hot chocolates on the coffee table. 

"Yes you were", Grantaire chuckled, sitting on the couch. "Make yourself comfortable", he invited Enjolras, who sat beside the cynic man with a respectful distance. 

"So, what did you want to ask me earlier?", Enjolras couldn’t help but ask, trying to keep the anxiety from his voice. 

"Uh, I... I don’t know, this is kind of embarrassing, really", Grantaire shrugged, sipping from his cup. "Since I don’t remember much about, hm, about you, I thought you could tell me a bit of detail. Like, how we met, what you do, what's your favorite TV show, this kind of stuff. And... and, well. You don’t have to answer if you don’t feel comfortable, but if you're ok with it, I was thinking maybe you could tell me how... how we fell in love". 

Enjolras felt a smile growing on his face. 

"Sure, R", he reassured. "We met at the Musain, four years ago. Joly was attending the meetings I run there and you lost a bet to him one day, so you had to go along with him and Bossuet. You decided to keep going". 

"Joly told me about these meetings", Grantaire commented. "They don’t sound like the kind of meeting I'd attend, either". 

"Yes, well", Enjolras laughed. "We didn’t exactly get along very well on the start. You'd always interrupt me to disagree with me in front of everyone, and never took the meetings seriously. I thought I hated you, in the first year. Then I realized it wasn’t hate, it was... amusement, I believe. I decided to listen more to your point of view, and I noticed how your presence improved my arguments. And also how you were smart, witty, talented and always knew what you were talking about. I sort of developed a crush on you, if I'm being honest", Enjolras blushed again, lowering his head. 

Grantaire hummed lowly. Enjolras didn’t look at his face. 

"I... I don’t know exactly how or when you fell in love with me", Enjolras explained, swallowing dry. "People said your crush on me was obvious but I can be very oblivious sometimes. I had no idea you returned my feelings until you kissed me on Courfeyrac's Christmas party last year. And... and we'd been going out ever since". 

Grantaire set his cup on the table, seeming pensive. 

"And what about your job?", he asked. "You seemed to dedicate a lot of time to it, according to everyone". Enjolras couldn’t find a hint of malice on Grantaire's tone, but it sounded like an accusation nevertheless. 

"I work as a lawyer on Lamarque's firm", Enjolras explained. "But since I'm his right hand man, I needed to be there whenever he needed me. He has helped my group, eh, Les Amis, a lot of times and he was the one who got me this job. But... ever since... ever since what happened, I have redefined my priorities. I can't put work in front of everything". 

He finally looked at Grantaire, hoping the man would see his sincerity in his eyes. They stared at each other in silence for a long moment. 

"There's something about you, Enjolras", Grantaire broke the silence, never taking his eyes away from the blond man. "I simply can't understand. I'm... I'm somewhat drawn to you. Like a moth to the fire". Then Grantaire closed his eyes with force and lowered his head, as if regreting what he had said. "Sorry. Shouldn't have said that". 

"It's ok", Enjolras reassured. "You can say whatever you want. I'll never judge you". 

Grantaire stared at him for a moment before deciding to speak again. 

"It's... it's like I remember you", Grantaire continued. "But I have no idea who you are. It's like remembering someone you saw once in a dream. And everytime I see you... I feel something in my chest, like butterflies in my stomach, but I don’t understand why". 

Enjolras smiled at him sympathetically, placing a hand on Grantaire's shoulder. 

"But, no matter what I do, I can't remember you for the life of me", he continued. 

"It's alright, R. You'll remember someday. And even if you don't, we can still be friends. You can text or call me whenever you want, ask for anything you need. I'll always be there for you, okay?". 

Grantaire looked deeply inside his eyes, some sort of melancholy lingering in his eyes. 

"I must have really loved you", he said. 

Enjolras did his best not to let his smile drop at the use of the past tense. He kept his hand on Grantaire's shoulder, and smiled reassuringly. 

"Yeah, you... you did", he said. 

"Will it be okay if I go to one of your meetings? Maybe it helps me remember something" Grantaire asked. 

"Of course", Enjolras responded. "You're welcome to go whenever you want. We're having one next friday". 

"Ok, I'll go with Joly then". 

Feeling the urgent need to run away so he could let his feelings out, Enjolras retrieved his hand from Grantaire's shoulder. 

"I should get going", Enjolras said. "I promised Combeferre I'd go to his today". 

"Alright", Grantaire said. "Thank you for coming over, and for the hot chocolate. And for... for giving me space. You know, not being angry because I don’t remember etc". 

"It's ok, R. I'd never do that", Enjolras said. "Thanks for talking to me. See you on friday, then?" 

"Yeah, I'll be there", Grantaire led Enjolras to the door. 

"Uh... bye, then", Enjolras said, embarrassed, turning his body to exit the apartment. Grantaire grabbed his wrist. 

They stared at each other for a moment, electricity flowing on the spot their skins touched. Then, Grantaire pulled Enjolras into a hug. 

It didn’t last long, but it was enough for Enjolras to feel a warmth spreading across his chest when Grantaire's scent invaded his nose. He smelled exactly the same. Tears welled in Enjolras eyes and he tried to blink them away. 

When Grantaire broke the hug, he looked astonished himself, mouth slightly ajar. Not meeting Enjolras' eyes, he muttered a week "bye" as he reentered the apartment, leaving Enjolras alone and confused on the corridor, the warmth that had spreaded on his chest being replaced by a feeling of emptiness and sorrow. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to make clear, as always, that I don't have any kind of medical training, therefore it is possible there will be some mistakes regarding this matter.

When Enjolras got home, he felt too tired to do anything. 

He still had to finish another speech, but just the thought of grabbing his laptop made his body feel heavy and exhausted. That was so unlike him he felt the tight feeling on his chest smother him even more. When he started having feelings for Grantaire, he could never know the man would affect his life so much. 

He was feeling like crying again, which had happened enough in those past months. He needed to occupy his mind, to think of anything other than Grantaire, but how could he? The man occupied every single thought inside his head. 

Enjolras decided to fulfil the promise he made to Combeferre and take better care of himself. Noticing he still hadn't had lunch, he called a restaurant and ordered a take out. He was waiting for his food to arrive when a sudden bing on his phone called his attention. 

 **From:** **Jolllly** **(16:16** **) Hey** **Enj** **. How did it go with R?**  

Enjolras bit his lower lip, not sure of what to reply. To be truthful with himself, not even Enjolras himself knew how it had gone. Their conversation was awkward but not uncomfortable, and they seemed to somewhat come to terms with the situation. The only truly odd moment was the aftermath of the hug. 

 **To** **:** **Jolllly** **(16:17) I don’t know... He asked me to tell him about how we met and fell for each other, and it was a bit awkward but I honestly don’t know?** **I don’t mean to sound rude or dismissing, but why don’t you ask him?**  

 **From** **:** **Jolllly** **(16:18) He won't talk to me. Or to Bossuet. Or to** **Chetta** **. He's been locked inside his bedroom since before we arrived. I** **'m asking because I thought something might have gone bad but since you said not much happened I don’t know what's wrong**  

Enjolras frowned. 

 **To** **:** **Jolllly** **(16:18) We... we sort of hugged. When I was leaving. Do you think he... might have remembered something?**  

 **From** **:** **Jolllly** **(16:19) Jeez... I don’t know. Smells can trigger memories so that’s a possibility. I** **'ll keep trying to talk to him and will let you know if something happens**  

 **To** **:** **Jolllly** **(16:20) Okay. Call me if you need anything**  

 **From** **:** **Jolllly** **(16:22) ^-^**  

Enjolras sighed, putting his phone down. His take out arrived and he ate absentmindedly, more from obligation than from actual hunger. He decided he was feeling too lonely. 

 **To:** **Ferre** **(16:41) Are you busy?**  

Combeferre's response came right away, startling Enjolras. 

 **From:** **Ferre** **(16:41) No. Want me to come over?**  

 **To:** **Ferre** **(16:42) Yeah, if it's not a problem. I** **just feel like I need company**  

 **From** **:** **Ferre** **(16:42) I'm on my way.**  

Enjolras went to his bedroom and changed into some more comfortable clothes. Which were his worn out sweatpants and one of Grantaire's stupid band shirts. It was too big for him and made him look thinner than he actually was, but it still somehow smelled of the man and it was the most comfortable shirt Enjolras had on the apartment. He knew Combeferre would disapprove of his pining, but he couldn’t exactly bring himself to care. 

He really shouldn’t have been surprised when Combeferre arrived with Courfeyrac on his heels, holding a pile of DVDs on one hand and a pile of packages of microwave popcorn on the other. He stepped away so they could enter the apartment, smiling when Courfeyrac placed a sloppy kiss on his cheek as he came though. 

"Jehan will be arriving later, if that's ok", Courfeyrac announced, placing the contents on his arms on the coffee table. 

"Sure, that's fine", Enjolras replied, feeling a warm sensation inside his chest.  

- 

Joly was knocking on the door again. 

 _Why_ _couldn’t they just give him some space?_  

"R, please, if you're awake, let me go in", Joly was saying, voice muffled by the closed door. "I just want to check on you". 

"I said I'm fine" he croaked from his pillow pile on the bed. He pulled a blanket over his head, telling himself it would block Joly's voice out. It didn’t. 

"Then why are you hiding?" Joly asked. His voice sounded hurt. Grantaire sighed. 

"Fine, come in", he said, trying not to sound annoyed. The sound of the door creaking open sent a wave of pain through his skull, worsening his migraine. Then there was a small weight on the bed next to him, and a hand on his forehead. 

"I'm not sick, Joly", Grantaire muttered from where he was still hiding beneath the sheets. 

"Better safe than sorry", Joly said. "Please tell me what's wrong?" 

"Nothing's wrong", Grantaire immediately responded, sounding defensive. "I'm absolutely fine". 

Joly sighed. 

"R, we've known each other for a decade now. I know when you're unwell, and it really hurts my feelings that you assume you can lie to me about that. If you don’t want to tell me what it is, that is fine and I respect that, but do us both a favor and don’t act like there's nothing bothering you". 

Grantaire pulled the blanket hiding his head and looked at Joly in the barely lit room. His friend looked very worried. 

"I...", he started, feeling uneasy. "I'm not sure what's wrong. It's like... like there's something missing, but I don’t know what it is. Something I desperately need, but I just can't figure out what. Then I hugged that Enjolras guy and... and everything felt right. Like everything was on its right place. But how can it be? I don’t even know him. I've only talked to him twice. But whenever I manage to sleep, he's in my dreams, and I've been checking my old sketchbooks that you found and... he's all over it. But... I just... I can't remember him. I don’t know what he means to me. And every time we see each other he looks at me with those puppy eyes like he's gonna burst into tears any moment... and when he was here earlier, he talked about the relationship he had with me, and it sounded... it sounded..." Grantaire couldn’t hold the sob that was finding its way to his throat. Joly was hugging him instantly, breathing harshly like he may cry to. 

"Everyone keeps saying I loved him so much", Grantaire continued. "But then why can't I remember him?" 

"I don’t know, R", Joly said, voice trembling.  

"Why can't I remember him", Grantaire sobbed against Joly's shirt. "I feel empty, there's something missing but I can't... I don’t know what it is" 

"It's going to be fine, you'll see", Joly tried to comfort. "How about I go out and grab some food for us, huh? I'm sure you'll feel a bit better then. We could watch a movie or something". 

"Okay", Grantaire whispered. "Okay". 

Joly placed a quick kiss to his friends curls and got up from the bed, leaving the room. Soon, Grantaire heard the sound of the front door closing.  

He knew that, no matter what Joly did to make him feel better, the constant ache of missing something would remain, leaving his hands twitching and his head hurting. 

There was only one thing that could help him now. 

- 

Enjolras, Combeferre, Courfeyrac and Jehan were halfway through a Lord of the Rings marathon when Enjolras' phone rang. He frowned, seeing the call was from Joly. 

"Hey Joly", Enjolras greeted, apprehensive. "Everything ok?" 

"No", Joly answered, voice trembling and breathing fast. Enjolras immediately tensed up. 

"What's wrong?" Enjolras asked. 

"Is Grantaire with you?" 

"No... he's not with you?" He frowned. 

"No! He was feeling bad so I went out to grab food for us... Bossuet was out with Chetta and when I came back he was gone!" Joly cried. "Oh my god, he could be anywhere, he's not fully recovered, he's... he shouldn’t be out by himself!" 

"Joly, calm down!" Enjolras begged, feeling like he may beggin to hyperventilate too. Combeferre had paused the movie, the trio looking at him with worry. "I'll come over, I'll help you find him okay?" 

"Please, oh my god", Joly said, barely breathing. 

"Breathe Joly! Fuck, where is Lesgle?" 

"He's... he's coming back but I... I can't..." 

"I'm on my way", Enjolras pledged. "Just breathe" 

He hung up, looking at his friends and trying not to be sick. 

"Grantaire is missing", he explained. "Joly went out to get food and he left the apartment. He doesn’t know where he is". 

"Oh my god", Jehan muttered, covering their mouth with their hands. 

"Well, what are we waiting for?" Courfeyrac said, pale. "Let's go to Joly's, he must be freaking out". 

Combeferre left first to go check on Joly and make sure the man was fine, while Courfeyrac and Jehan stayed back to wait for Enjolras to change clothes. They were about to leave the apartment when a sharp knocking on the front door interrupted them. 

Enjolras pulled the door open, and a stumbling Grantaire leaning heavily on his doorway looked up at him. 

"Salutations", he slurred, clearly drunk. "Can I come in?" 

"Oh my god", Courfeyrac whispered beside them, as Enjolras passed an arm around Grantaire's waist and practically carried the man inside. 

"What were you thinking?", Enjolras asked, angrily, as he placed Grantaire on the couch. "Call Joly and tell him he's here", he told Courfeyrac. 

"So here's the thing, I was having this terrible migraine and feeling cheesy so I thought why not go grab a drink? It always helped me not feel like shit and stuff so now I drank and look! I'm feeling great! Honestly, I'm great. You're great too. Thanks for letting me have your bed". 

"You're on the couch", Enjolras frowned. Grantaire had been clean for nearly half an year. He couldn’t help but feel a tinge of disappointment.  

"Yeah, yeah, whatever you say. Sorry did I interrupt you guys?" Grantaire squinted at them. 

"No", Enjolras said. "But you scared the hell out of Joly. He was having a panick attack, R!" 

Grantaire pouted at him, looking somewhat guilty. 

"I thought this would help", Grantaire explained. "Remembering you... why can't I remember you, Enjolras?" 

Enjolras didn’t let the tears welling up on his eyes fall off. 

"I don’t know, R", Enjolras whispered. "But this was so stupid. You shouldn’t have done this. You're still on meds and mixing them with alcohol, that's no good at all! I'm not sure if we should take you to a hospital or wait for Joly to arrive", he looked up at Courfeyrac and Jehan, who looked just as confused as he was. 

"No!", Grantaire protested. "No, no hospitals. There's no need for a hospital. I am completely, utterly, vehemently fine". 

"Like hell you are, R!", Jehan protested, crying. "Look at what you did to yourself! You had been clean for months!" 

Grantaire frowned. 

"I... I had?" He sounded hesitant. 

"Yes, you had!" They said. 

Grantaire stared down at his trembling hands. He looked up at Enjolras, frowning. 

"Isn't... isn't that shirt mine?" 

Enjolras bit his lip, blinking hard.  

"Yes. I borrowed it so many times you gave up on asking for it back", he explained. 

"I... I..." Grantaire frowned. "I think I'm going to be sick". 

Enjolras grabbed him by the waist again, running towards the bathroom just in time. He looked down at Grantaire's back as the man puked on the toilet, sweating too much and looking too pale. When he was done emptying his stomach, Enjolras helped him to get on his feet and rinse his mouth. 

"Enjolras", Grantaire muttered, leaning heavily on the man. The sound of his voice, the familiarity of the situation, the way he whispered his name, sent a shiver down Enjolras' spine. "That's such a beautiful name". 

"So is yours", Enjolras muttered absentmindedly as he carried Grantaire back to the couch. 

"Nah. But Enjolras", he practically moaned the name, dragging every syllable for more time than necessary. "What does it mean?" 

"I don’t think it means anything, R", Enjolras helped him lie down on the couch and kneeled beside him. 

"Every name means something", the man commented. 

"What does yours mean?" Enjolras asked. 

Grantaire grinned at him. 

"Capital R", he said, chuckling. Enjolras rolled his eyes, despite smiling. 

"I believe mine means 'to terrify'. Or something like that", Enjolras stated. Grantaire looked up at him, eyes glassy. 

"You don’t terrify me", he said. "You look like you could terrify a crowd of evil people if you wanted but I... I don’t think I could be scared of you". 

"You have no reason to", Enjolras said, brushing a few curls away from Grantaire's sweaty brow. "And I don’t want you to be scared of me". 

They stared at each other for a long time, and neither even remembered the presence of two more people in the room. Whenever they looked inside each other's eyes, nothing in the world mattered. It had always been like that. At least that little part of who they used to be didn’t change. 

"Enjolras", Grantaire muttered after a few seconds. "Not that I'm complaining but... why are there two of you?" 

"What?" Enjolras frowned, just as Grantaire's eyes rolled to the back of his head and his head fell back, limp, mouth slack open. "Grantaire?!" He called, desperately, lightly slapping the man's face. Enjolras was starting to feel like he may have a heart attack, but the way Grantaire's chest kept raising and falling steadily eased him a little bit. 

"Jesus Christ", Courfeyrac said, as Enjolras rubbed his face with both hands and let his body fall back on the ground with a loud groan. 

"Where is Joly?" He asked. 

"They must be nearly here. Ferre is bringing him, Bossuet and Chetta", Jehan answered. 

Courfeyrac kneeled on the floor beside Enjolras, looking at him with worry. 

"Are you okay, Enj?" 

"No", he answered honestly. 

"I'm sorry", Courfeyrac said, lying down on the floor beside him. In no time, Jehan joined them, and Enjolras caught himself sandwiched between the couple. 

Suddenly, the door burst open and a frantic Joly made his way to the couch, jumping over the three of them, Combeferre right on his heels. 

"What happened to him?" He asked, pulling his eyelids open and checking the pupils. 

"He arrived drunk, then he passed out on the couch", Courfeyrac explained. 

"Drunk?!" Joly exclaimed. "Oh my god, he shouldn’t have, and he is still taking meds, Jesus fucking Christ this man will be the death of me", he was muttering as he took Grantaire's pulse. "He needs to throw up!" 

"He already has", Enjolras said. "Before he passed out". 

"Grantaire", Joly called, slapping him in the face. "Wake up". 

"What's wrong?" Enjolras frowned. He thought Grantaire had just passed out from drunkness. 

"He's unresponsive", Joly said. "We need to take him to a hospital, I don’t know what's wrong with him but he shouldn’t be this out of it". 

Enjolras felt his heart finding its way to his throat, and he stood up immediately. 

"Joly?" He called, feeling uneasy. Combeferre was already beside Joly, passing one of Grantaire's arms around his shoulder. Bossuet passed the other arm around his shoulder, and they both lifted Grantaire from the couch, running to the door. 

Enjolras was glued to the spot, eyes wide, and not even Jehan's comforting hand taking his was enough to bring him out from his stupor as he watched his friends carrying the unconscious form of the man he loved away from him, once more. 


	7. Chapter 7

Turns out the mixture of alcohol with the drugs Grantaire was taking just caused excessive tiredness and sleepiness, but they still kept him on the hospital overnight for observation due to his previous coma. 

When he woke up, groggy and confused and with one hell of a headache, Joly was there by his bedside, eyes red and puffy and angry. Usually, the young man would keep his cool, but his friend had scared him terribly. He started to scold Grantaire, not caring about the two nurses that entered the room at the sound of his voice raising. 

"How could you do this?" Joly was yelling. "Have you no regard for yourself at all? Did you even think about your friends? You could have killed yourself, I thought you were dying!" 

Grantaire had the decency to look embarrassed, but didn’t say anything as Joly kept screaming. 

"You spent a month in a coma and I thought I'd never see you again and in the first moment I trust you to leave you alone you go and do this! What were you thinking?" 

Grantaire lowered his head, hiding his tears. If before he escaped to have a drink he was feeling like shit, now he was feeling like the scum of the earth. Joly was right. He knew how the young doctor worried about him, and he had betrayed his trust. 

"I'm sorry, Joly", he muttered. "I didn’t mean to scare you. I won't do it again". 

"You better not!", Joly yelled as both nurses dragged him away from the room, despite his efforts to get away from their grasp. They threw him out, closing the door behind him, and made their way to Grantaire. 

"Sorry about that, dear", one of them said. "Here, have this", she gave him a glass of water, which Grantaire drank thankfully. "Fortunately, you won't have to stay here for long. Soon you can go home". 

Grantaire nodded at her, not wanting to speak. As they exited the room, he looked at the empty plastic chair behind the bed, feeling terrible. 

- 

Enjolras visited him next, by the time he was already being released from the hospital. He was putting on his shirt when the man knocked shyly on the door. 

"Come in", Grantaire said, expecting it to be Joly. 

"So you're not dead", Enjolras greeted, trying to be funny. Grantaire turned around and stared at him. 

"Yeah, I think I'm not", he said, not laughing. "Sorry about scaring you guys". 

Enjolras approached him, sitting down on the edge of the bed. 

"It's ok, as long as you don't do it again". 

"I don't plan on it", Grantaire smiled. "Apparently I've been clean for half a year. I think I plan to stay like this. Causes me less trouble". 

Enjolras smiled widly at this, two small dimples appearing on his cheeks. 

"That's amazing!" He said, sounding genuinely happy. Grantaire couldn’t help but to smile back. Then, seeing that Grantaire was standing still, uncomfortably waiting for something to happen, Enjolras said: "Oh, you good to go?" 

"Yeah", Grantaire replied. "But I think I'll wait for Joly to arrive?" 

"Oh, actually...", Enjolras said, scratching the back of his head uncomfortably. "I... well, Joly was still a little bit... unstable. So I offered to pick you up?" 

"Oh", Grantaire said, pretending there wasn’t a lump on his throat. His best friend was mad at him and he'd have to be by himself on a car with Enjolras, of all people. After embarrassing himself terribly in front of the man. Maybe it was god's punishment for messing up so terribly? 

Enjolras blushed. 

"If... if you're uncomfortable with this I can ask for someone else to-" 

"No! God, no. It's ok", Grantaire interrupted. "It's fine. Uh... let's go then?" He grabbed a small backpack that Joly had brought with a change of clothes and threw it over his shoulder. Enjolras glared at him, promptly pulling the backpack away and throwing it over his own shoulder. Grantaire followed the blond man out of the room without a word. 

Maybe it was the hours he spent unconscious, or the possible remains of alcohol on his system, but halfway through the hospital corridor Grantaire's vision began to swim. He stopped on his tracks, leaning heavily on the wall and blinking as fast as he could, trying to see the floor right in front of him. Suddenly there was a hand gripping his shoulder and an arm sustaining his weight, and a muffled voice far, far away saying something that sounded like his name over and over. He looked up, seeing Enjolras' blurry face, and he thought he could see the man's brow frowning. His mouth was opening and closing, but the sound was getting more and more muffled. 

"Enjolras...?" Grantaire muttered, but a sudden skull-splitting headache invaded his senses and his legs were unable to keep him upright anymore. The world turned around as Enjolras laid his body on the ground carefully, or Grantaire thought he did, he couldn’t tell anymore. He was looking at Enjolras' face confusedly when suddenly the man's voice grew louder as he yelled for someone, but the volume sent a wave of pain through Grantaire's head and he couldn’t keep his eyelids open any longer. His eyes rolled to the back of his skull as consciousness left him, despite Enjolras' undiscernible pleas of "stay with me". 

- 

He remembered. 

Not everything, of course. There were still gaps in his memory and holes and darkness. But he remembered the most of it, at least. 

He remembered being disappointed and so, so sad, and he remembered the sudden light coming from his right and the loud noise. He remembered waiting for someone – _Enjolras_ , his mind supplied – and a bouquet of red. He remembered a mistletoe, and a kiss, and a smell that he can't explain but that makes his heart beat faster. He remembers red lips, golden hair and gray eyes that are like a thunderstorm. He remembers a voice, a chant, a promise of a better future. He remembers his disbelief, and the bitter taste of alcohol in his lips that leaves him aching and twitching. He remember whispers of "Apollo" and a hand caressing his hair. He remembers the pain, but he remembers the love. And the love he feels for Enjolras makes up for all the pain in the world. 

He opens his eyes, feeling the tears that had been pooling beneath his eyelids leaking and running down his cheeks. Light invaded his sight, but the sharp pain he had expected never came. His brain felt cotton-like and so did his tongue, but he was alive and (probably) well and he had a lifetime before him and Enjolras. He sobbed. 

"Grantaire?!" Apollo's voice came from somewhere beside him, desperate and full of worry. A hand squeezes his own tightly, shaking, nails bitten and ruined. He turned his head to the side, eyes searching for Enjolras, and a small smile appeared on Grantaire's lips when he found the man. 

"Enjolras", Grantaire replied, with such adoration and admiration that Enjolras' mouth opened in surprise and his body fell back against the chair. 

"You... you...", Enjolras started, not sure of what to say. 

"Yes", Grantaire completed. "I... I remembered. Well, most of it, at least". 

Enjolras still stared at him, gaping. Grantaire sobbed again, relief filling his heart and tears of joy rolling down his cheeks. 

Then Enjolras threw himself forwards and there were hands on his hair and lips against Grantaire's, both kissing each other desperately and clumsily, trying to make up for the lost time. Grantaire's hands found their way to Enjolras' curls, pulling softly and earning a moan from the man. 

"God, I've missed you", Enjolras groaned, sending a shiver through Grantaire's spine. "I've missed doing this", he bit Grantaire's lower lip and pulled softly, teasing. "Please, don't leave me again". 

"I don’t intend to", Grantaire whispered, returning the favor and biting Enjolras' lower lip as well. They resumed the kissing until they were too tired to continue, stopping and joining their foreheads.  

"I'm so sorry, R", Enjolras started. "I'm so sorry for doing this to you, for being so distant and... and not showing you how much you mean to me. Please, forgive me". 

"You're forgiven", Grantaire immediately responded. "As long as you stay with me". 

"I will. I promise". 

"Then we're settled", Grantaire said, pulling Enjolras again for another kiss. "I love you". 

"I love you too", Enjolras said. "More than anything". 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, firstly I know this took a long time to update and I'm really really sorry. I've been going through some shit and I didn't have the time - or the will, really - to update. Also, I know that most of you will be disappointed with this chapter, because honestly, it's very bad and I know it, but I think it's better for me to post a shitty chapter then to abandon the fic and never give the readers a sense of closure. And yes, I know that's not amnesia works, etc. Anyway, thank you for reading, I'm really sorry for this chapter and maybe I'll edit sometime in the future.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos, comments and constructive criticism is always appreciated, and you can always find me on edema--ruh.tumblr.com


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